BURNOUT - It may be lurking nearer than you think I'm not going to write a broad article on the subject, instead, I'll leave some links at the end for further reading. What I will do, is tell you about my personal encounter with burnout. What lead to it, how it felt, and how I pulled myself out. Many would be too embarrassed to reveal such intimate problems to the world, but I know way too many people who are slipping into or experiencing the same thing. The fact that these are people I know on a mere personal level, gives an indication of how common this must be. And no, I don't have a tendancy to befriend troubled people. I'm hoping that my story will not only provide comfort to those going through burnout, but also be an eye-opener for anyone who recognises the symptoms in themselves or loved ones. When I was going through this, I felt very much alone and unique. I mean I knew many people going through different states of depression, but guess what? Burnout is a completely different thing. My brain wasn't angry or sad. It had simply decided to go on strike. How could anyone who had not experienced this, possibly comprehend? So yes, I felt alone. But if only I'd known how common it is. What kinds of people get burnout? Burnout is often mistaken for being irresponsible or lazy, but ironically, those who are the most devoted, responsible, ambitious and hardworking, are the ones most vulnerable to this mental state. These are the people who are always on time, demand perfection from their own (and often others) work, strive to out-do their previous achievements and take on more work than they can handle. Although these are the people who most need help from others, they refuse to accept it, feel embarrassed to delegate tasks and don't want to bother others. Sometimes, it's because they truly don't want to be a bother, and sometimes because they believe that only they can get the job done properly. A feeling of being priceless and irreplaceable due to the massive amounts of compliments and encouragement they get from all that hard work they have done. It starts to feel like the world simply will not go round without them and the last thing they want to do is let all those nice people down who have thanked them for what they have done so far. In relationships, burnout victims often act as the empathetic shoulder for their loved ones, but rarely want to bother others with their own problems. They are too giving and unselfish. To a very unhealthy point. People like this often have too many so called "friends" - who are for the most part actually human leeches. People who greedily use the giving good hearted person but fail to give anything in return. Taking advantage is ridiculously easy, for our victim can't ever bring themselves to say "NO!". What happens exactly? During burnout, one becomes incapable of handling even the simplest of tasks, let alone ones work and other responsibilities. And in the eyes of those who have no idea what is going on, it looks like laziness!!! (How wrong they are) This in turn, causes great guilt in the burnout victim, for they are already feeling bad enough as it is, that they can't bring themselves to do their part. A vicious cycle begins. Most times the victim doesn't even realize what has happened, and becomes extremely disgusted with themselves. A common reaction is to flee from the scene, avoid answering the phone, leaving emails unanswered, bills pile up unopened - even though there would be the money to pay them. People get frustrated and eventually angry at the victim, since they are being let down. Promises and expectations are not being met by this once extremely reliable person. The victim burrows deeper into their solitary cave and soon it feels like the whole world is out to get them. What are the most important steps of recovery? The first thing to do is realize what it is you are going through. Recognizing burnout. Accepting it as a fact. Not being embarrassed about it. Knowing that it is indeed those oh-so-noble-qualities in your personality, that got you there in the first place! Read up on the issue and inform the people in your life what you are going through. You will get more sympathy and understanding than you'd ever expect! They NEED to know about it, so they don't pressure you any further. It is as important for you to give yourself permission to recover, as it is for the people in your life to. Make a list of all the tasks and responsibilities in your life. See how many utterly useless things are there? And even if they are all useful, you just cannot take the whole world on your shoulders. Life will go on around you, even if it's not you handling those responsibilities. Believe me, it will. Also make a list of all the people in your life. You know, there's this utterly idiotic saying that "You can't ever have too many friends!" Pah! Whoever thought that one up, should be locked away in a small white padded room. If there was any truth to this, then it would mean that we'd have endless mental reserves to give to literally endless amounts of people. In actuality, our mental energy is limited and should be saved for ourselves and people who are truly close to us. Speaking of close, look through that list. How many of those people really do care about you? How many could you run to in the time of need? How many of those shoulders could you really cry on? You're gonna hate me for saying this but, truly, what you gotta do is end all those one sided relationships and without feeling guilty about it. Are there people in your life that refuse to understand? Have you explained to them that all the pressure they are putting on you, makes things only worse. That the more they remind you, the more mental rebellion builds up inside of you. Make them understand that you are sick - that you have burnout. Show them articles. Or the links at the end. Drag them to the psychologist with you if you have to. If, despite everything, they continue to bully and pressure you to get things done, you might need a break from such a relationship, for it will do no more than keep that horrible cycle ongoing. :-( I know it's not that simple, and it's not that black & white... but what I do know from experience is that people like that are major contributor to preventing recovery. And finally... Once you've accepted your burnout problem, notified others and excluded all that extra crap from your life, you need to just rest. Don't do ANYTHING responsible. Know that this is what YOU need to get better. To act opposite to what you used to be like. And you must not feel guilty about it! If you still feel the overpowering urge to do SOMETHING, ok fine, but makes sure it's something where no-one has any expectations from you. Where no promises are needed. You are ALLOWED to be "lazy" during recovery - in fact you MUST be. You are ALLOWED to do things for mere pleasure. You don't owe anyone anything. BURNOUT - My Experience (WARNING: Long and utterly boring story, written more for myself than anything else) It was the mid nineties. At about the time that the computer and Internet business boom was taking off. People were getting overworked, schedules were preposterous and yet no-one was questioning the inhumane demands... for the net business was still too new to have taught any lessons. I had just been through a divorce and was studying full time at the Tampere School of Arts and Communications. At the time, ambition and achievement were attributes highly looked upon amongst the new media students. Technology was advancing faster than we could keep up with, there was pressure to stay up to date, even better, to be amongst the innovators of this world. Our study schedule was tight and demanding, and we'd often have time consuming homework that took up a lot of our spare time. It was pretty gruelling. At about that time, I started making web pages in my spare time to keep a roof over my head. Gradually I started to receive recognition in the web business and an increasing amount of job offers arose. Being the poor student I was, I was not going to pass up such chances for some extra cash and experience. It was also cool to have a good reputation in web design as one of the very few women in the field at the time. My clients got bigger and better so I eventually established my own small company to simplify things like taxes etc. My days were spent at school, evenings were spent doing homework and web sites, and nights were devoted to more work, and a little sleep, if there was time. My son came to see me on the weekends so I worked hard to get things done during the weekdays so I could spend time with him. Already at this stage of my life, I was showing signs of exhaustion, but I didn't take them very seriously. I defiantly decided that it was a matter of mental strength to get through it all, and that I have that strength. A year went by living this way: work, school and motherhood. I had no time, nor inspiration to think about romance, although there was the odd one or two flings that didn't lead to anything much. But then I met a sweet man who fell for me. Knowing the lifestyle I led, knowing my lack of time I had, I tried to drive him away and insisted that I simply am not capable of offering him a rich and meaningful relationship. He was such a good man and deserved so much more than what I could offer, so I suggested he find someone who could devote themselves totally to a relationship. But he took no notice and persisted in sticking to what little I was giving him. Over the next half year, as the relationship got deeper, we finally were faced with a decision. I had unintentionally become pregnant with his child, and we decided to make a family and make it work. A huge risk - but it worked relationship wise. My plate had been overflowing already at the time that I met him, but now in addition to my studies and running my new business, I had a new romantic relationship to nurture and a child on it's way. The stress got worse. Once the baby was born, I took maternal leave from school and concentrated on motherhood. Although the absence of school eased the situation, it didn't get any easier, for at the same time I had to continue work for us to get by financially. Being a mother to a small baby is quite draining as is, but add to that, that the only free moments I got, went to working and not resting... Well I think you can imagine. I had to work though, we simply could not get by financially otherwise. When baby was about a year old, I had to return to art school. They only allow a years maternity leave, otherwise you lose your study spot. And since all I really had left anymore was my final work before graduating, of course I was going to go back and get it finally done. I'd have been crazy to throw many years of studies away with so little left anymore. Especially since that particular school was very hard to get into as well as hard to go through. By the time that I returned to school, my reputation in Finland in the web design scene had become quite good. I was getting job offers from very large companies by then. This in itself was an issue. For I was competing against huge multimillion web companies which could afford each project several people: graphics artists, coders etc. And here, I was doing the whole job all on my own. And yet, I had to meet the same demands and deadlines that any other company would meet. Although I knew it was unwise to take on such ambitious challenges, how could I resist? If there was anything a struggling small new company needed, it was the benefits of having big company names on the list of references. And the money was good. It was fall when it all came crashing down. The baby was 1½ years - at such a demanding stage; I was just completing my largest project ever - the SoneraLive site; and school began. Once I got the Sonera site done - all systems shut down inside me. I burned out. Ways in which this was noticeable: I knew what things needed to be done, I knew how to do them, but I couldn't. An overpowering rebellion inside wouldn't allow me to do anything. Although school had just started, I couldn't attend, although I was being offered new jobs, I couldn't even bring myself to answer the inquiries; I quit answering emails - wouldn't even open them; wouldn't answer the phone, nor door. The only thing I was capable of, was going through the normal everyday routines as a mother. Feed - clothe - change diaper - play - nap - feed - change diaper. That came automatically thank goodness and was probably the main thing that prevented me from becoming depressed as well. The burnout that I had been on the brink of for years... overtook me completely. Took control of my brain. Some examples of how strongly it affected me: Later in the fall, Nokia contacted me and asked if I could make them a virtual kitchen portal for one of their projects. It sounded like a really fun job and I met up with the Nokia people. They gave me free hands - pretty much - and virtually no deadline. And the pay would be good. A dream project for any artist! I made my promises, and at the time was determined and committed to creating a spectacular portal for them. But the weeks went by, the months went by. I did nothing. I couldn't. They emailed. I couldn't answer. They emailed several times over the next months, and finally gave up on me. I was relieved. They never got a response from me. Now try and imagine how bad I felt. Watching as this fabulous project slipped through my hands. A fabulous client, that I'd have probably gotten many more great jobs from. Ruined. It was at this point that I refused to accept any more work. I simply was not capable anymore. While all of this was happening, I really didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't realize that what I was going through was in fact a medical illness. Burnout. I just assumed I must be exhausted and with a little rest, it would pass. So I rested. It didn't help. It was not going to go away by "making" it go away. I had to really wake up to the fact that I have an illness that needs proper recognition and respect. I gradually started to drop away all of my volunteer works. (#Wanhat, #Mammat, network administration, TOAS webmaster, Gothgrannies) Leaving so many emails unanswered also dropped many people away as well, who were not my real friends. This was all good and very necessary. But the months went by and I still wasn't getting any better. I decided to see the psychologist at the university health clinic. But I had already done all the things that were suggested: rest - doing away with extra chores. All they could suggest was anti-depressants. Pah! I was not depressed! I just wasn't capable of doing anything responsible, that's all. You may be wondering how my family was taking it all during this time. Well my children didn't notice a thing of course, since I was my usual happy self. But for my partner, this had become a big issue. Of course. Not only was he worried about me, but was now responsible for the whole family financially. We were getting by, just and just. Since I am a very independent woman and have always believed in paying my own way, and splitting the costs, this was a major issue for me. To be a financial burden on the man I love. I was the type of personality who despised the thought of being any kind of burden on anyone! What made matters worse, was that my man believed that the best way to help me, was by urging and pushing me to do work. He thought that the state I was in, just needed a good shake, and I'd be well again. He believed that once I get my foot back into the work world, I'd step right out of my burnout condition. But how wrong he was. The more he urged and pushed, the more my rebellion grew, and the guiltier I felt for not being able to meet his expectations. When someone has burnout - the thing they need MOST - is for their loved ones to give them total and utter permission to rest and not do anything at all. That is definitely asking a LOT of the love one!!! But you see, the burnout victim is having a hard enough time as is, to try and allow themselves to rest without guilt. My man did what he thought would help the most - the opposite, and that deepened the vicious circle even more. I know he didn't mean harm - who could have known the right way to handle such a situation!? And I know he truly did believe he was helping, by giving me those little shoves. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Over the next few years the cycle became rock solid. What right did I have, to tell him to stop urging me to work? In my eyes, he had every right to, because I was living on his funds and that felt soooo soooo wrong. I felt guilty enough from costs in food, and barely had the nerve to ask for deodorant or sanitary napkins. Over those years I wore the same old clothes and didn't go anywhere on my own that would cost anything, which didn't help my mental state any. The idea of asking him for money to buy new shoes or to go the movies with my girlfriends was completely absurd. How could I do that, seeing as he worked hard each day to make us manage, yet I sat around at home with our son sitting on my fat ass, doing nothing. Although I could be working and making lots of money. See what I mean? My girlfriend tried to remind me that I AM doing work by being a mother to our son and taking care of him, and reminded me that there are millions of housewives all over the world who stay at home with the kids while the husbands work. But her sermons didn't affect me, it just all felt very wrong and I was possessed with massive guilt. My only consolation was playing a game called Ultima Online. This is a virtual world containing thousands of real people from all over the world. People set goals and tasks for themselves, establish shops, create guilds, have professions etc. This was a way for me to channel all those mental qualities (devotion, responsibility, ambition, hardworking) I had built up inside me, in a safe and non threatening manner. I could create grand schemes and projects, but at the end of the day I knew I didn't HAVE to. How very easy it was to be ambitious in a virtual world and receive recognition and thanks. Receive mental food. I think UO had a very important role in preventing me from becoming depressed. It scares me to think how miserable I would have been without the possibility to be my old responsible, hardworking familiar self somewhere, in some world, to some people! How very good it felt to know that the real me is still in there, after all. Unfortunately, my man didn't understand this either, and saw Ultima Online as being the main thing that was preventing me from getting better. He saw me as being lazy and just sitting around playing computer games. An understandable reaction, I can't really blame him. Eventually came the time for some drastic changes. I had been in burnout for several years and was not getting better. I realized that I needed to break away from this relationship to save myself. This tore me apart inside, since what we had going was damn good, the man was wonderful. But I had to save myself. I'll not go into the details of our break up, but I will tell you what happened due to this choice: I recovered from burnout within a couple of months. It was the best choice I had ever made. It is extremely sad that it cost a good relationship though. The difference was easily visible to my friends. They all said I seemed like a totally different person, and yes I felt more alive than I had in years. I beamed and radiated happiness and energy. In fact, the picture at the top left corner of this page was taken around the time that I had recovered. I think that picture says more than a million words. Now does that look like a woman who had just been through several years of burnout? You'd never believe in a million years. :-) Some links that may be of some use: Prescription for Burnout About.com: Burnout Chronic responsibility syndrome leads to stress, burnout, depression
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