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   Home > Big Mamas Nightclub > Past Events > October 2001

E V E N T S   O F   O C T O B E R   2 0 0 1

O C T   1 3 t h
B A C H E L O R E T T E   A U C T I O N

The Auction
After the huge success of the bachelor auction at the opening night of Big Mamas Nightclub, it was high time for the ladies to be auctioned off as well. Thus a bachelorette auction was held! Six single beautiful maidens were bid for by some of the most eligible bachelors of Europa. The ladies were to receive payment upon fulfilling the wishes of their winners for three hours. But to make things fair, each maiden notified beforehand what she would be willing to do for those three hours.

Since the owner of Big Mamas was taking part as one of the bachelorettes herself, she asked her dear friends Lady Breigh and Lord Slaan to be the master and mistress for the auction. They did an absolutely wonderful job of auctioning off the ladies. Thank you so much guys! Lady Breigh sure has a gift for gab and the imagination to shoot out intelligent and witty comments at the right moments! :-)

Bachelorettes in order of auction
Winning bid: 12 000 gp
By Feersum Endjinn
Winning bid: 100 000 gp
By Sam Hane
Winning bid: 421 000 gp
By Nixon (Blade)
Winning bid: 61 000 gp
By Dennis Moore
Winning bid: 700 000 gp
By Piet Hayn
Never showed up?

Tonights DJ was non other than DJ Mentazm, here's what he had to say about the musical goodies in store:

Old-school rave music by DJ Mentazm!!!
Remember the day when you get away with walking down the streets wearing 60-inch-leg green neon jeans, tie-dye t-shirts, multi-coloured daniel poole jackets wielding a huge ghetto-blaster pumping out those tuff breakbeats and wailing police sirens?

Okay, maybe if you weren't a teenager in the later 80s/early 90s in the UK you might not remember... so this is for those that couldn't be there first time round this is UO's first old-school warehouse rave party - complete with the sounds of the era! Everything from late 80s Acid House through to mid 90s hardcore breakbeat will be on the play list.

To top the authenticity of the event feel free to dress up in the wildest most brightly-coloured clothes your tailor can make for you! Time to blow the dust of those special-dye tubs and put them to good use! Feel free to add to the vibe by bring stacks of fruit and giving it away to the people on the dance floor, and wielding those 'light sticks' (lanterns, torches, glacial staffs, etc) like mad people!

DJ Mentazm

DJ Mentazm's playlist:

Kas Valentine wrote a fictional report on the Europa Board about the auction night. Although there is not a word of truth to this story, it's still a masterful piece of writing and absolutely hilarious to read :-D.

Big Moma's Pimping Night....

It had been a long week, I'd been hunting, making money, clearing my log cabin of junk, denying allegations of being someone else and so on, the usual stuff you see in a week. So I put on my clubbing clothes, which are exactly the same as my normal clothes as it happens, and headed for Big Moma's. There was no queue this week, so I stood at the door for a while breaking wind, burping and spouting foul language, yer'know....the things queues usually prevent you doing. Once I'd had by fair share of foul smells and colourful language, I strolled on into the nightclub and made my way upstairs which was where everyone seemed to be.

There was a lot of clamour upstairs, lots of people all bustled into one spot, a lot like a bouncey castle only not bouncey and made of stone. There was obviously something going on at the front of the crowd, I could tell because someone had mounted a big sign with an arrow pointing down saying......

'There's obviously something going on here'.

Thinking to myself, "Ooo", since that's the limit of my mental capacity, I started to make my way through the crowd. Pushing people this way and that, I actually threw a guy off the castle at one point, but he was smelly so he quite obviously deserved it. I was almost to the front, I could see fireworks, and a lady in a top hat, and tigers, and pretty colours, and a completely grammatically incorrect neverending sentence. But then, to my surprise, I felt a hand grope my ample rear cushioning and at once turned round to face the suspect.....

Kas Valentine: You fiend! You just felt my fine firm bottom! *gaaaarggylll*......*ahem*......yes!

Tas: I most certainly did not, I wouldn't go near that lovely......firm........perfect..........well rounded........irresistble bottom.......*ggggarrgylll*.......*ahem*! I deny any such allegation!

Kas Valentine: I see, so you say "I didn't" and you're instantly cleared of all charges? Helluva justice system that young lady! Never would've happened in my day OHHHHHHH no! In my day you could loot houses, and there was a Good Vs Evil system and life was good and it was only Felucca, and no, thieves were abound but no! NO! You copped a feel!

Tas: *folds arms and sulks* Did not!

Kas Valentine: Did so!


Kas Valentine: DID SO!

Bladey: *ahem* What's going on'ere then?

Kas Valentine: She touched my butt!

Blade Swinger: This girl here? *motions to Tas* Touched your........lovely......firm.......heavenly........toned......bronze.....bottom...*garggggyyylll*....*ahem*.....?

Kas Valentine: *frowning briefly* Yas!

Tas: *mutters* Didn't.......

Kas Valentine: Oh yeah!?

Tas: *getting worked up* Yeah!

Kas Valentine: Well in that case, why is there Kas Ass Paint™ all over your hand's, hmmm? *grins smugly*

Tas:*breaks down* I couldn't help it Mr Valentine, for me yours is the ultimate bottom, it's got that lovely Werthers taste, it's uncommonly good!

Kas Valentine: *sighs* Yas I know....bless your heart, I forgive you. Thank you Officer Bladey, but I won't be pressing charges.

Blade Swinger: And that's the end of that chapter! *nips Kas's bottom and legs it*

And so having pleased the attentions of some bum snatchers, I continued on my trek towards the.....*clears throat*......

'There's obviously something going on here'....

....sign. And 'Lo I came to the front of the crowd and what a spectacle lay before my eyes! They were lavish ladies in all the colours of the rainbow, fountains of gold and silver rain down from the heavens, chocolate birds in a butterscotch sky and daisies singing verses of Barry White in dainty little voices. But at the forefront of it all wearing a striped pink and white suit with a polished black top hat and matching shoes, twirling a crystal topped stick guessed it!

Lady Breigh: Step right up, c'mon now gent's don't be shy, get your young women here, fresh hot young women just out the oven, young ladies, get your young ladies here!

And so in the circus that is Big Moma's, the bidding began.....

Maleena: *steps up to the podium*

Lady Breigh: Hello there young lady, and what might your name be?

Maleena: *blushes* Um.......Maleena. *giggles like a schoolgirl*

Lady Breigh: Awwww, isn't she adorable, Maleena from the Bronx! Only 100,000 miles on the clock, and strong durability! Let's start the bidding gentlemen, you know the deal, all doors are now locked, bid or be.........

Fodder: Tuppence!

Lady Breigh: Tuppence, we have tuppence! We do we have tuppence, this is absolutely ridiculous, security please eject that worthless misecrent of a bidder. *flexes wrist sending an energy bolt in Fodder's direction*

Mentazm: *over the screams of Fodder* 50,000gp!

Lady Breigh: *tilting top hat and pointing stick crystal end at Mentazm* That's more like it, I do like a man that knows how to flash a wad. *smirks darkly* 50,000 gold pieces for the lovely Maleena......

Maleena: *giggles like a schoolgirl* Weeeeeeeeee!

Lady Breigh: *to Maleena* Get a grip dear, you're worth far more than that, but no more than me I'll have you know! *evil eye* Do we have anything higher!? I bloody hope so, c'mon gent's more bidding please! NOW!

Cepeleon: *gulps* Er, 100,000gp!

Mentazm: What!? You little bitch! *slaps Cepy upside the head* I'll slap yo'bitch ass back to the ghetto! *claws are drawn and the hair pulling begins*

Cepeleon: *holding Mentazm at arm's length* Sowwy, better make that 200,000gp on account of Ms South Central here.

Lady Breigh: Yes sir! *cranks up the bid machine to Cepy's most recent addition* We now have a bid of 200,000gp, an evicted and severely burnt Fodder and a somewhat desperate attempt at the ghetto fabulous look. *looks down upon Mentazm's fake ass gold chains, FUBU basketball top and backwards 'Fred Durst' cap* Do any other men dare bid for this fine hunk of woman?

Maleena: I like ponies! *giggles happily*

Lady Breigh: Bless her heart....*radio's in to NbN informing them of overexcited sweetness and declares movement to Def Con One*......gentlemen?

Iwayhara: Three billion!!!

Lady Breigh: Holy christ on a Concorde! That's more money than the entire NbN Corporation™ is worth!? I've work to do elsewhere, sold to the man with the mismatched armour and no accountant! Maleena, dear, this man now owns you. *dark grin* Farewell Big Moma's, it's been a blast! *throws an egg like capsule to the floor which smoke suddenly issues from, when the fog clears........she's gone*

And so as the wide eyed Maleena walked away arm in arm with the esteemed Mr Iway, the night was taken over by none other than my favourite and yours, Carad the friendly amphibious like creature!

Carad: *moaning slightly he is pushed on stage, the door closing instantly behind him* HEY HEY! *groans* Ummmmm, I think we're selling some women today, I can't be sure......oh wait, according to the autocue, yes I am! *groans and mutters to no-one in particular* I left rehab for this? *then realising he's in front of an audience* HEY HEY! Let's get the next lovely lady out here......

Roxy Roxy Beaujolais: *walks to the podium then stands looking distinctly unimpressed*

Carad: Hello there sweet young thing, how's about a kiss for your Uncle Carad? Hmmm? *puckers up and leans drunkenly on Roxy breathing whiskey fume sinto her lovely face*

Roxy Roxy Beaujolais: Ewwwww, get away from me you has-been! *folds arms and huffs*

Carad: Heh Heh.....*groans*.........any this, ahhhh forget it. *takes a deep swig from the bottle inside his trenchcoat*

Blue Fin: *thinking at last he has finally found true love he makes a bid for the female wonder that lies before him* 1,000,000gp!!

Roxy Beaujolais: I AM NOT A NUMBER! *storms of the stage*

Carad: Er.......*speaking quietly to the staff of Big Moma's* (I was made to understand there was $10 in this for me? *receives money*) Hey hey! That's the end of things, er, the night folks, but not for me, I'm wanted for several charges in the State of Trinsic.....can anyone lend me a room for the night, I haven't slept in three days. *looks to the crowd with tears welling up in his eyes*

As everyone made their way for the exit, avoiding eye contact with Carad, a large crowd of people arrived at the door. It was NbN and a girl looking distinctly like Lady Breigh but claiming to be Lady Kent and wearing glasses, ordering that the be allowed entrance so as to wipe the famous club from the face of the earth for crimes against NbN's sense of image. It would seem that the infamous Lady Breigh found the association of her glorious self with a sweet young girl offensive and had ordered appropriate action to be taken. Some freinds of mine began discussing the issue, as NbN and the Generic Bouncer Chap's (the prequel) got down to some serious wedgie exchange.....

Wikkr (covered in Tip-Ex): Don't you think it's strange how you never see Lady Kent and Lady breigh in the same place at the same time?

Lord Sam Hane (covered in Tip-Ex): That's because they're the same person!

Celes Icewind: Awwww guy's, not this argument again.....

Wikkr (covered in Tip-Ex): Damn right Sam! *grins and high five's Lord Sam Hane*

Clarice (covered in Tip-Ex): *taking control* Sam, Wikkr darling, listen! Lady Kent can't be Lady Breigh!

Wikkr and Lord Sam Hane (covered in Tip-Ex and in unison): *looking puzzled* How come?

Celes Icewind: Because Lady Kent wears glasses, Lady Breigh doesn't!

Lord Sam Hane (covered in Tip-Ex): Gah, you fool's, she takes them off when she's distributing evil!

Clarice (covered in Tip-Ex): That's crazy! How would she be able to see!?

Wikkr (covered in Tip-Ex): You just don't get it do you *takes breath*.......

*a heated argument breaks out among the group*

Kas Valentine: *in a soothing tone* Kid's kid's, please don't fight, if you stop fighting now I'll let you all come back to Valentine Manor for a nip of my sweeeeet sweeeet buttocks and a wollipop each?

Wikkr (covered in Tip-Ex), Clarice (covered in Tip-Ex), Lord Sam Hane (covered in Tip-Ex) and Celes Icewind (in unison): Yey! Kas Ass™!!!

And with that I opened a gate to the Manor. Once the children had proceeded through, I stepped in. My last glance at the famous nightclub was a bright one, for Lady Kent had just issued Saph with an atomic wedgie.......

Girls will be girls. *chortles*

But we all lived happily ever after, except Fodder, Carad and Mentazm, we assume they all met with a grisly demise and are now living in eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell. But yer never know, they could be in Delaware. *shrugs*

Disclaimer: I have no personal liking for this episode but I hope everyone else enjoys it. *smiles softly*

Kas Valentine